Back in 2008 and all through 2011, I went through a great testing of my faith. This lasted for about 3-4 painful years. There was an incident of a public humiliation, and in addition to it all I was thrown into massive debt due to an oversight, and my beautiful cat Peachy died after an illness. I was subject to harsh gossip and malicious talk. I do not write this to show how I am a victim, but rather the opposite. I write this to show that if I could overcome, so could you by the power of forgiveness and by the grace and mercies of God.
The truth is that if it were not for Jesus taking on my sin, I certainly deserved all that drama and humiliation. I deserved it all! My trials certainly brought me to my knees in desperate prayer, and eventually to my face before the Lord especially in 2009, 2010, 2011... I fasted and prayed giving up the most precious thing to me: sleep and even food. I often gave up watching TV and social networking. This was my time to draw near to God for answers. No one knew that I was tired from praying all night and sometimes all day for 5-6 days a week! This is how desperate I was for breakthrough, how broken I was from the trials of my faith.
In Matthew 6, it says that we are to not boast about our fasting, when we fast. However, I feel that the time is right to share and to teach a bit about times of fasting where I longed for breakthrough and I feel that my story may help someone to their breakthrough. I did not talk about the fasting at the time, I kept it between myself and God. How can we know how to fast and pray if no one models it and teaches us and reports the revelation given?
After my move in 2012, I was on what I affectionately called my "journey with Jesus". It was a real leap of faith and a pleasant time with the Lord all at the same time.
I remember the weird feeling that I get in my teeth when I am terrified! They tingle and hurt and chatter. I heard every accusation of the enemy being thrown at me: about how frail he says I am, how stupid, how ugly, how broke, how slow, how I'm too old, my hair is too short, or too big or not styled right, my clothes are ugly, my body is too fat and on and on and on... However, in spite of those voices and lies of the enemy, I heard the voice of the One true God piercing through my chaos bringing me....to clarity and wisdom. He gave me detailed instructions. I followed and have never looked back.
I remember the way that I kept asking God to confirm it again, confirm it again, God. And He very graciously did, over and over: a phone call from an elderly intercessor that seemingly came out of the blue. And I've continued on in the strength of that confirmation and many others now for over 3 years.
What if, you never took the leap of faith that God is calling you to? What if breakthrough is on the other side of your leap?
I certainly lost friends in the big move. I gained a few new ones, and gained a few old ones back. In the end, only God's opinion of me is what matters. I feel stronger now. I've learned to not live for anyone but God. I've learned the hard way to not try to please everyone around me. I feel healthier now. It's like the girl who existed 3 years ago, not longer exists, but has been born again, transformed, renewed for the glory of God.
Romans 12:2 Amplified Bible
Do not be conformed to this world (this age), [fashioned after and adapted to its external, superficial customs], but be transformed (changed) by the [entire] renewal of your mind [by its new ideals and its new attitude], so that you may prove [for yourselves] what is the good and acceptable and perfect will of God, even the thing which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His sight for you].
The song "I Refuse" performed by Josh Wilson below came out around the time I was in this deep place of fasting and prayer. The words pierced my heart and convicted me as I wrestled with God's word to me about moving over 400 miles away from the only home I ever knew. Here are part of the lyrics and the official music video below:
...'Cause I don't wanna live like I don't care
I don't wanna say another empty prayer
Oh, I refuse to
Sit around and wait for someone else
To do what God has called me
To do myself!
Oh, I could choose
Not to move
But I refuse!
I refuse!
I refuse, yea!
Josh Wilson "I Refuse"
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